The Fabulously Single Project: Stuck Between A Rock And A Love Place

It’s been two weeks since I last posted regarding my Fabulously Single Project. Why? Because I’ve been distracted and I lost my focus, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing since I’ve had good reasons.

I’m not between a rock and a hard place, but I am stuck between a rock and a love place.

What reasons do I have for neglecting The Fabulously Single Project?

Reason #1: I’ve been working really hard and pouring myself into my new job as a Social Media/Community Manager. I’m the type of person who lives for a challenge so this job has been perfect for me. The only issue is because I’m creating and implementing new social media strategies for several different brands at the same time, work  has taken up a significant amount of my life, leaving me struggling to reorganize my routines and juggle all the things I usually do. Never fear! I’ll get there and eventually figure out how to balance my new career, single motherhood and making time for myself.

Reason #2: I was swept away by the idea of falling in love again. I touched a little bit on what has been going on with me in my post, Beautiful. About six weeks ago I took a chance and went on a date even though I’d decided to take a year off of dating for The Fabulously Single Project. The hopeless romantic in me decided to take a leap of faith. As distracting as dating this man has been I’m glad I broke my own rules. I needed to know that nice guys do exist. I needed to believe in the idea of falling in love, though I’m not sure I’ll ever really fall completely in love again.

Right now, it feels like I’m stuck between a rock and a love place.

I had a plan and I’ve had that plan for quite some time.  The plan was always to get my shit together. By “get my shit together” I mean that I want to have a stable income, a place of my own, and know that I can support my son and myself all by myself. I don’t think I’ll ever be truly happy, single or otherwise, until I experience that type of freedom.

I want to get an apartment and fill it with the things I love and paint the walls in colors I like. I want to have friends over and sip cocktails, and spend nights alone wrapped up in a quilt on my very own couch watching Step Brothers for the 10,000th time. I want to cook dinner and sit down at a table, just Aidan and I. I want to have the freedom to invite a man over on the nights that my son is away, make love to him all night long, and serve him coffee in the morning.

Even when my ex and I were giving things another try and had plans to move back in together, there was a part of me that knew I’d never be happy in the life I was about to go back to. I’d be content, but I’d never really enjoy it because I’d always daydream about what I could’ve learned and what could’ve been when I had a place to call all mine.

I’ve been trying to get my shit together for over two years and have been derailed on more than one occasion by the idea of falling in love. While the man I’m seeing now has not and would not ask me to give up my plans to be with him, I can’t help but think that in order for me to truly fall in love it will take vulnerability and time. Those are two things I’m not sure I can offer to anyone right now when my focus needs to remain on my job, my writing and getting the rest of my shit together.

I tweeted this the other night during a moment of frustration:

“I should just succumb to the fact that I’m incapable of falling in love anymore and embrace the everlasting freedom in it.”

Would sure take the pressure off, wouldn’t it?

Fairytales, romance novels and movies lead women to believe that “the right man” will make them want to take down their walls, effortlessly, regardless of how much they’ve been hurt.

Only one man has succeeded in doing that since my ex fucked me up, but the reality is no matter how much I wanted him to be “the right man” he can’t and could never be, even though there may have been moments he wanted to.

The second I realized that my walls went right back up and have stayed there ever since.

I can honestly say I’m not sure they’ll ever come all the way down again.

I see the way the man I’m dating looks at me when we’re together and I want so badly to get to a love place and look at him exactly the same way because unlike the others he totally deserves it, but right now I can’t. Hopefully someday I’ll be able to, but if he asked me today I couldn’t give him a guarantee.

Whether it’s fear or just the way I am now after one too many broken hearts that has me stuck between a rock and a love place, I’m not sure.

My train is already in motion and I can’t switch tracks, but maybe, just maybe, this man will choose to hang out beside me during the ride to my destination. Who knows, maybe we’ll even knock down some walls along the way to my very own apartment filled with happiness.