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If you read Saturday’s post you’d probably guess that I haven’t been my usually awesome self the last few days. Basically, I’m starting over again. Aside from being hit with a case of the flu, I’ve also been hit upside the head with a warm 12-pack of reality, which wouldn’t be so bad if my current reality didn’t taste like Budweiser.I mean a nice warm pack of Heineken Light or Amstel Light would be tolerable. Waterweiser, not so much.
I’d like to blame my current state of “OH SHIT I FUCKED UP AGAIN” on my ex and his latest escapades in selfishness, but the truth is it’s so much more than that and I really only have myself to blame when it comes to starting over again.
Two years ago I’d set a goal for myself as a single mom. That goal involved having an apartment of my own by this past August. It’s something I’ve never had before since I went from living with my parents to living with my ex, and right back to living with my parents when he left. Two years was more than enough time to save money and get on my feet, and I was well on my way. I was so close I could taste it; so excited and proud of myself for all I had accomplished and how far I’d come as a single mom. The finish line to a life of independence and stability for myself and my son was a few yards away.
Then my ex came back into the picture and I lost sight of that goal when I lost little pieces of myself in him again. My dreams started to get pushed to the side as we began to discuss new dreams of a life together. I’d move back in with him. Aidan would switch schools. We’d all be together again just like it used to be except we’d be in a new place and it would be a fresh start. Easier. Simpler. We’d be starting over again, together.
When I lost my job in April due to cutbacks I wasn’t too worried. I had money saved to survive on and I figured between that and my freelance writing I could get by until we moved back in together this fall, at which point I’d find a new job near our new home. Things were going so well for awhile, or maybe I’d just convinced myself they were, not wanting to admit I’d made another mistake as that feeling of “OH SHIT I FUCKED UP AGAIN” lingered behind me, incessantly tapping on my shoulder. That feeling tried to warn me a hundred times that I was making a mistake. It came in the form of friends and family, red flags, road blocks and instincts, but I was too stubborn to listen.
I was also scared. I remembered how hard it was starting over again as a single mom. Beginning with nothing. Fighting. Clawing. Desperately scratching my way out of the hole my ex had thrown me in.
In the end I ended up right back in that hole, despite having been there before and vowing to never end up there again– broke, frustrated, bitter and heartbroken. Starting over, AGAIN.
My ex’s shenanigans may have been the catalyst, but this time it was me who threw myself in that hole.
Time to climb the fuck out.
There’s an apartment with my name on it waiting for me at the top.
7 comments
1 ping
Jennie says:
September 27, 2011 at 1:50 PM (UTC -4 )
You can do it Mel! We’ve all been there to some degree. We are all here ready to support you. Start listening to those voices and trust your instincts. In my experience we get into trouble when we stop listening. When we pay attention, we are generally rewarded. Good Luck!
Mely says:
September 27, 2011 at 2:00 PM (UTC -4 )
Thank you! XOXO
Stacy Dean says:
September 27, 2011 at 2:29 PM (UTC -4 )
Mely,
1. One can succeed if they get up one more time than they got knocked down.
2. You got back up.
XOXO
Tania says:
September 29, 2011 at 7:04 PM (UTC -4 )
I know how it is. I’m here staying with a friend and sharing a small bedroom with my daughter till I can get back on my feet again. It sucks. But we will be okay we have each other as support! You got through it once you will get through it again!
Queenpin Mama says:
October 2, 2011 at 9:23 PM (UTC -4 )
You can do it!!! And be easy on yourself. I”m not making it on my own either, and can’t wait until I can. For me single mamahood has been all about accepting help and support from others, which has been humbling and amazing. I can’t believed all the support I get, and even with it, it’s still hard to ask for help. Love, love, love the honesty on your blog.
You have inspired me to get more honest on mine too…though s-l-o-w-l-y. I’m still kind of a wus.
Angie Uncovered says:
October 3, 2011 at 11:44 AM (UTC -4 )
I’ve been in that same spot a few times in my life with two kids in tow. It’s certainly not easy, but you can do it. One of the nice things about flying solo (even as a parent) is that your victory is your own. No one can take it from you. The same can be said for your own place. There’s nothing wrong with accepting help when there is heavy lifting to be done physically and emotionally. We all need help sometimes, but it is time to let the ex stay an ex perhaps?
Tex28 says:
October 14, 2011 at 4:08 PM (UTC -4 )
Oh girl, i’m right there with you. I’m in the thick of it right now. Husband who wanted a divorce, had an affair while I was 3-9months preggo, broke up with said gf so we could give it another shot, and has now spent the last 3 months finding singles on plentyoffish (dot) com. Wow, he REALLY wanted to work on our marriage. His newest excuse for all this is that he’s just not in love with me anymore. Oh really? You’re not in love with me anymore? Or you’re not in love with me b/c I won’t allow you to bring other ppl into our bedroom for 3-somes and 4-somes?? My top priority is my kids (3 1/2 yr old boy and 4 month old girl) and his top priority is his cock. The divorce papers will be filed soon and all i want to do is vomit b/c I won’t get to see my kids every day (Florida laws will force me to split visitation with him, since he does want visitation.)
The Woman I've Become » Sex, Lies & Bacon says:
March 11, 2012 at 12:55 PM (UTC -4 )
[...] I shed a few tears for mistakes that I’d made that turned into valuable lessons. [...]