Butterflies, Butt Plugs, and the New Beginning

My new beginnings tend to come when I least expect or want them, and usually involve being blindsided by my ex. My latest new beginning as a single mom has been no different. It began with the discovery of my ex’s new girlfriend, who’s become a large part of my son’s life on the days I’m  not with him. The proof that my ex had officially moved on combined with the idea of another woman playing mommy to my son literally made me want to rip my heart out to avoid the pain that engulfed me afterwards. Then there was a whole bunch of other shit that piled itself on top of that discovery during the days that followed. So much shit, in fact, that I had a slight nervous breakdown last week.

Yes, even strong and sexy women have nervous breakdowns.

Funny thing is that nervous breakdown saved me. That nervous breakdown released two years worth of other shit that I had been holding in and onto, making way for the new beginning. What was left after that nervous breakdown? Strength, hope, and a clean slate.

During my craptastic last week I made a new friend. A man. A man friend. A man I might like to be more than a friend someday. Truth is I’m not sure what I want him to be yet, which I’ve decided is completely ok. My man friend has decided that’s completely ok too. I can’t help but think there’s a reason he came into my life during all its recent drama and chaos, leaving a trail of honesty, support, and butterflies behind him for me to follow as I navigate my way through the new beginning.

That’s right, he gives me butterflies. Or maybe that’s just remnants of the flu I had.

In the wake of last week’s nervous breakdown I decided to take a trip with my father to his weekend home in Pennsylvania. It’s where I spent most of my visitation time with him growing up. Three weekends a month I would laugh, play, and explore with him in our little cabin. This past weekend I did the same thing with Aidan as we played board games, told stories, and wandered the woods flipping over rocks in search of salamanders.

Returning to that part of my past was good for my soul. It gave me hope. It gave me clarity. And somewhere amongst the moss and the trees and my son’s pure joy over catching a salamander, I found my happiness and the new beginning.

While I was away I called my mom, which is something I never do. The truth is we rarely speak to one another even though we’ve been living in the same house. She and I haven’t had the best relationship the last two years. I’m not even sure where it went wrong, but we both had a lot of anger and a lot of regret. During our lengthy conversation we both made amends. We said things that needed to be said and told stories that needed to be heard. By the end of the conversation we had our own new beginning.

Before we hung up she mentioned she was sleeping in my bedroom while I was away. My first thought was, “God I hope I took my vibrator out of my nightstand.” I had to think long and hard about it, but eventually found comfort in the fact that I remembered putting it away for safe keeping before Aidan arrived home from his Dad’s. Then my mind flashed to something else that was in my nightstand: my pretty pink Rabbit wine stopper, which an avid wine drinker would immediately recognize as a wine stopper, but someone like my mother would probably take one glance at and think it was a sex toy.

Luckily I came home to find it still neatly placed in my nightstand.

The moral of this story? I’m not sure I really have one. What I do have is a new man friend who gives me butterflies and really good advice, a wine stopper that could be mistaken for a butt plug, and a brand spankin’ new beginning.

Could be the makings of a happy ending, don’t ya think?