Ask Mely

It’s that time of week again folks. A time when I give sometimes humorous, always awesome, albeit unprofessional, dating advice to a lucky male reader in another titillating edition of Ask Mely on Sex Lies and Bacon!

Let’s get down on it, shall we?

This week’s victim is ImAGenuinelyNiceDudeWhichProbablyMeansIHaveAMiniaturePenis, who asked the following:

“In your opinion, what is the most common mistake guys make on a first date?”

Dear ImAGenuinelyNiceDudeWhichProbablyMeansIHaveAMiniaturePenis,

I’m so glad you asked this question! I’ve been on A LOT of dates in my thirty-two years, and in that time I’ve come to realize that the biggest mistake men, and women for that matter, make most on a first date is not doing enough shots.

Now before you spring an intervention on me and ship me off to rehab, hear me out…

Every first date I’ve been on, with the exception of two, has started off awkwardly. There’s a lot of pressure to impress the other person you’re with if you’re really into them, knowing everything that happens during that first date will determine whether or not you get a second.

For men, first dates are a lot like job interviews, which should also be approached highly intoxicated.

Just kidding, potential employers.

In most cases the man is the one to approach a woman.  You give her a brief rundown of your qualifications, whether that be through an online dating profile, texts, emails, conversations, etc. You’ve attached your “resume”, and based on that she’s decided whether or not you are worthy of a one-on-one (hopefully literally) interview. That’s basically what a first date is, right? She’s interviewing you to see if there is chemistry and if you meet her checklist of requirements in a lover or mate.

The whole process is fucking nerve racking, and even the most confident person can flake under the bright and often judgmental lights of a first date, regardless of how over-qualified they are.

So I say, drink up! And make sure your date does too. Then you can both sit back, relax, slur your words, and look at each other through beer goggled glasses.

Let’s face it, alcohol can take a date from “save me” to “do me” in 2.5 shots.

So don’t just woo her on a first date, booze her!

Got a question for next week’s edition of Ask Mely? Submit it anonymously HERE

Disclosure: I am in no way, shape, or form, qualified to give dating advice to men, women, or midgets. This weekly advice column is a source of entertainment for me and my readers. If you choose to follow my snarky and profane suggestions while seducing members of the opposite(or same) sex, you assume all responsibility for future black eyes, arrests, restraining orders, and/or drinking problems. Unless of course my shitty advice actually works, in which case I want confetti, a bronze statue erected in my honor, and an invitation to the wedding.