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For three months following my separation I was lost and confused. Half of it was spent self medicating with Xanax and the other half, when I wasn’t numb from the Xanax, was spent crying in my closet. Most of it was a blur as I struggled to come to terms with what had happened to me, but there were a few life-changing moments that were worth remembering.
Like that time I kissed a girl.
In my early twenties I had fantasized about it. At the time it was just curiosity since bi-sexuality had become somewhat of a trend. In actuality it was more of a fantasy involving a man. It was the idea of how excited a guy could get by watching that fueled my desire and not so much my actual wanting to kiss another woman.
However, somewhere in my late twenties I developed an attraction to certain women. It may have had less to do with sex and more to do with admiring their beauty and strength. It probably also had something to do with my relationship unraveling with my son’s father. The truth is he was never very affectionate and didn’t make me feel wanted or desired, especially towards the latter part of our life together. After things ended between us I was uncomfortably lonely and due to many failed relationships with men, women were starting to look more and more appealing as partners.
I had a good friend who was a wonderful supporter through my split. She also went through her own ordeal that left her separated from her child’s father about a year before mine. Due to her circumstances she was probably lonely too. She listened to me cry; she comforted me and gave me the attention that I had been longing for. We had often joked around about hooking up, but somewhere along the line it got more serious. I don’t know how or why but it did which led to “the kiss.”
My son’s father and I hadn’t had sex for several months before our break-up, let alone kissed, so when he finally ended things with me I was so starved for affection it hurt. I was one of those women that craved physical contact. A kiss, a hug; they used to be what made me feel desired and loved when I was in a relationship. Throw in the fact that my ex dumped me for another woman, and I was left believing I was unwanted and unattractive.
Several nights after I officially became single I went out with my friends for drinks. The intent was to get my mind off of my heartache and to just enjoy myself. Somewhere during the night I crossed the point of being sober to being inebriated, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing as all my inhibitions went out the window. In my drunken state I did what any girl who didn’t have a man but had an attractive friend would do, I pulled my friend into a bathroom stall at the bar and proceeded to plant one on her.
Ok not every drunk and lonely girl does this, but I did.
I don’t know what I was expecting exactly, but I definitely wasn’t anticipating enjoying it as much as I did. It was soft and sensual, one of the best kisses I had ever shared with someone. She touched my face and looked into my eyes. It wasn’t hasty or forced, it was lovely. It was exactly what I needed after being neglected for so long. She made me feel beautiful again.
Things didn’t stop there as we ended up making out in her car in the parking lot. It was completely out of character for me, but I didn’t care. I wanted to be someone else that night, anyone but the lonely broken girl my separation had left behind. With her I was in charge, which is something I had never been allowed to experience in any of my previous sexual encounters with men. I wasn’t nervous or intimidated by her because she had already seen me at my worst and wanted me anyway.
It was liberating.
At some point we came to our senses, probably when the alcohol wore off, and realized what we were doing. We both knew the consequences we might face if it went too far. We had enough drama in our lives without bringing lesbianism into it. I think we also knew that what was happening between us had less to do with our wanting each other and more to do with our trying to not want the men that had abandoned us.
I won’t lie and say that the whole thing didn’t leave me confused, because it did. I don’t consider myself a lesbian since I’m insanely attracted to men, and don’t think I could ever actually have sex with a woman, but that night made me question everything I ever thought about my sexuality.
For several weeks I wondered what it all had meant, but after much contemplation I told myself to stop analyzing it and to just see it for what it was; two people who cared about each other enjoying an intimate moment. It didn’t matter to me that we were both women. What was important was that I felt I could trust her at a time in my life when I began to question everyone’s loyalty.
Over the next year I discovered just how much I would need her. She became one of the most important people in my journey of singlemotherhood, supporting me in a way only a fellow single mother could. She helped me fight battles with others as well as myself and I honestly don’t know where I would have been without her in my life.
We never let that night ruin our friendship. If anything it made it stronger. Sometimes we still joke about it, and other times we imagine what it would be like for it to happen again. While we never rule out the possibility, we don’t dwell on it for too long either.
We’ve still got enough drama in our lives, and probably always will.
BONUS FEATURE:
A lot of people have asked me what happened since that night.
Have I ever hooked up with another women?
No. Sorry to disappoint, fellas.
But the most burning question has been whether or not my friend and I ever hooked up again…
Yes.
It happens every so often when we’re out at a bar for one of our few and WAY too far between girls nights. We get thoroughly intoxicated and somehow find ourselves making out, but never go beyond kissing. The last time it happened was six months ago and I can’t say it would happen again the next time we go out because I’m in a different place now then I was the last two years.
The thing is, I no longer need another person to validate my worth or attractiveness by making out with me or paying attention to me. For the first time in my life I’m completely confident in myself whether I’m alone or with someone; whether I’m five pounds underweight or ten pounds over; whether men (or women) are fawning all over me or ignoring me.
And that’s a great place to be.
Obligatory Katy Perry I Kissed A Girl Video Embed
